Midnight: Part 2

It’s strange, how things can point to something just beyond your Vision, for then it happened. Something or someone touched me, and as I turned to see who or what is was, the club was again being raided, setting off a series of events that would finally alter and then change my outlook on life, love, the lust of power and vanity that sprung from the monies made round every midnight!

Perhaps this story started long before this night; not that it made any difference to the people with whom I interacted then. All they knew and needed to know was when I was to be on that street and in that club. It’s obvious, even to me now, how that regularity led to very this problem unfolding in front of us that new day.

Where were we all to run? How many of us would escape, and at what cost, and to whom? In the next moment, all that I had laid out long ago would now work to my benefit or my detriment. I had already discussed with Pamelynne what to do when the unthinkable happened and we had to go separately into the night, whom to call and what not to say.

So her safety wasn’t my issue right then. Making it out to the Amtrak zone was my only chance of escape; there the local cops had no jurisdiction. Only if they chased you onto the platform could they follow, but one small fence and a six-lane toll way separated me from my freedom and that was the moment I faced. Many days later, someone asked me if I ever looked back to be sure she was okay, if I had seen what happened to her in those fateful moments round that midnight. But if I remember anything about those fading moments, it would only be that I was thinking about the next time midnight would come back around for me.

Midnight (in two parts)

One of the best things about midnight is that it comes every night.
No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, midnight she always appears on time, ready to exercise her right to be needed, a new day coming just after her arrival!

This though, was not to be a midnight that would soon be easily forgotten, nor the events absolutely forgiven. Turning the corner to the club with Pamelynne, I could feel the energy in the air. This was always the pulse I hoped to feel when I got to work, but something about this night seemed a little out of place, a little more electric than usual.

Looking around, I saw nothing really out of the ordinary. There was Gi Gi as always, over at the Slice Bodega, looking like his toupee was on straight tonight, a cop drinking his coffee under the canopy by the alley and the flower girl had her cart down by the corner, all things seemed just the same as every midnight.

There was not an unusual number people milling around, nor was anything visibly different about the people; college kids and townies. Suburban divas and working girls, all looking to be seen, hoping to be cool, needing to be different. There was nothing new that I could see with my outward senses, but something seemed different. Something seemed eerily out place there, like a movie seen before, but not fully remembered. Walking up to the spot, I hung back, as was my usual, waiting for Pamelynne and Anthony, one of the doorman, to have their moment together.

It was odd even to me, how after all these midnights, they still played that game of theirs. She waits by the hydrant until he sees her and waves her to the front of the queue, he with his head down, she with a soft kiss on his cheek. Was she calming him, the way she always did me? Or was it he who calmed her? No matter really; the dance was always the same between them, and I always figured Anthony to be gay anyway. No, not just because of the way he always acquiesced to my needs, but in my opinion he was just too damn beautiful to be a straight man!

Watching them and sizing up the nights’ crowd, I just knew that something was going to happen; I just could not shake my uneasiness. “Maybe I should pass? Do I really need this night to make my week?” Before I could even finish that thought she was moving again, Pamelynne I mean. Being led into the club by her doorman, holding his hand, like she would somehow fall if he were to let it go, looking over at me as if I weren’t the one who had taught them both this midnight dance!

Now, it was my turn. Walking up the doormen’s’ rope as if its’ meaning did not exist for me, seeing, but not realizing, that there were people waiting to go where I needed to be, I followed her inside. Gesturing to Anthony as if to say something but having my own game to play with him, I entered the door, waiting, as always, for him to stop me; yet this time, he did not.To be continued.....................................................

Is it raining Where you are?

Choosing and then
Allowing yourselfTo be chosen
Still affords me
A choice

For the gift that I seek to give
Is that gift in
Which you desire most
To be given

Yet the eagerness
Of your existence
Is still the abbreviated
Longings of your heart

The slender unfolding
Of your love then
Will forever
Shatter

My illusions
About why
Any other man
Would not love you!

What if................

..............eyes wide open, is still not enough!

Some days, I do not actually write. Not because there are not things, places, or people to write about, mainly my inability to get it moving stems from net being able to focus.

Wanting to write, desiring to express myself is only part of my process around turning abstractions into words. More often, I am just breathing and that act of catching one breath becomes a word that supports a sentence, which then becomes a meditation en route to a story.

Sometimes, people within my sensory areas can create a ripple that I can use as a propellant, though mostly it is through their subsurface pain and the things that I can discern they are hiding from that makes the window into a story open wide for me. Even in the vacuum of a total stranger, a story is often revealed to me by the placement of their hands on a table, or hidden under the flickering of their eyes, maybe even contained within the voice in which they address a small child.

To follow and explore these stories are of great value to me, though they often cost more than the completed story is worth, for the pain I must wade through to get the chance to see the boundaries of this new and exciting place, is never as easily forgotten as I would like. Oddly enough, each moving body part contains are story.

This I discovered when I grew old enough to warrant a hand shake from others, seems each new person who I came in contact with, revealed to me something about themselves whenever we touched. Some of those early stories were the best if not for the intense rush of revelation that washed over me, some where so diabolically beautiful it made me weep immediately, others were just the vaporish endeavors of the uncared for among us, but each was as sweet as the fall rain, in its intensity, and cleansing side effects.

In trusting ourselves, We indeed find Love.

Too often, I am met with skepticism because of my very positive and overtly passionate approach to Love and trusting. Because of this, I have learned to ignore the notion from others, that I am either foolish or naïve because of my belief that all things are possible to those who choose to believe in them.

Often, even I am truly baffled by how agitated some people get when I explain my belief that love unites and secures as nothing else can; that without it, trust and forgiveness are impossible to maintain. For me, it doesn't seem that this is such an outrageous proposition, though; it does seem to bring out the foolishness in other people!

When we cease trusting, negative forces take over. Good intentions go unappreciated within a mind crowded with doubt and suspicion. Everyday expressions of love are suspected of having hidden meanings. Misunderstood behaviors, give rise to monumental traumas! We worry that we will be deceived if we trust too much, Yet, we not consider the consequences of not trusting enough.

Therefore, we need to enhance the love that we seek from others.
In all the world there is not a single people exactly like any of us.
Everything that we produce is authentically ours. There will always be things we don't understand about ourselves as there are things we don't like about ourselves. Despite this fact though, there is no true reason not to love ourselves.

There is a definite dignity in our uniqueness. Our fantasies, dreams, hopes, fears, behaviors, abilities all belong only to us. They are what make us who we are and open the doors to what we can become. It is indeed true that in our lifetime we may never really know ourselves in any true sense of completeness, but it is our gift to God to never stop trying to work toward this goal, for our search for love can only be enhanced through our realization of self.

Being everything that you are is enough for another to love you.
Being ourselves in a world where most people want to remake us into their fantasy of how we should be, will always be our greatest hurdle in this life. Though, even if the disapproval of others is a powerful deterrent, it is hardly a strong enough reason to be less than who we truly are. If we want to be happy, to be loved, to be understood and accepted, sooner or later we will have to assert our right to be ourselves. By being ourselves, we are saying to others that we are indeed lovable, for we first, learned to love ourselves.

Mondays Musings

Within the breath of a flower
I can often see the essence of its beauty
Even as my eyes gently close around
The impossibility of its embrace

Just outside of my longing then
Are the reality and the wonders within
Each contained under the forested
Canopy of my life outside the
Many distant cities

Love and Patience

Nothing nurtures love more than patience.
It is that quality that allows us to wait, to be long suffering, to understand, to hope.

It sometimes seems that this is all but forgotten in a world that is forever on fast forward.
Patience denotes self-composure and contemplation in the face of disappointments and failures.

Nevertheless, we want action, we want solutions, we want answers. And we want them at once. This philosophy has been responsible for a great many hasty judgments in our past, which have caused a great deal of unnecessary pain and despair to ourselves, and those we should have loved.

In love, the most vital answers take time for discovery, time that is sustained by hope and the gentle absence of pressures. Many of our problems are only stalking shadows that often disappear in the light of patience. People who love well, and love long, have learned to accept the times of change, challenge, and discomfort, along with the moments of sublime joy, beauty and grace.

The greatest reward of patience is a love that endures.

A whisper or a brick....................

.........…the choice is yours.

A young and successful executive was traveling down a quiet neighborhood street going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. Though he was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something, as his car passed sped through, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag up to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, and grabbing the nearest kid to be found, he pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about, what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost me a lot of money. Why did you do that?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please mister, please, I'm sorry......I didn't know what else to do. I threw the brick because no one else would stop." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother. He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy then asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Turning toward the boys brother, he lifted the handicapped brother back into the wheelchair, then took out his handkerchief and wiped at the fresh scrapes and cuts the child suffered in the fall.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. Though the damage was very noticeable, the man never repaired the dented side door.He kept that dent to remind him of this message: We should never go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick to get our attention. Surely God whispers to our souls and speaks into our hearts, but sometimes, when we don't have time to listen, He will allow another to throw a brick at us too!Listen to the whisper.... Or wait for the brick?

Even you know the answer to that question!

What if, Paralysis and Fear are not your Friends?

Have you had good ideas and insights, and never acted upon them?
Have you started to support another person and then faded out of the picturewhen they had success? Have you mustered the courage to start something but never finished it because of someone else’s failure(s)?

Our soul often sparks us with the right guidance, love and power to do something. In that moment of inspiration, it sure feels good, right and true. BUT so often, that clarity and energy doesn't last. We don't follow through. We don't bridge our soul's inspirational idea into tangible formation(s) of our ideas. Is it that we lack commitment?

If we don't act on an insight, an opportunity is lost. And our souls don't nag. They may beckon to us indifferent ways but they don't repeat the same messageover and over until we get it. When we get a sense of what calls us forward, we need to commit to consciously do something. When do we do this? Tomorrow, next week, after this project is completed, later ... all never come.

Though we may honor our commitments to others, we often weasel out on honoring our commitments to ourselves. So next time a message feels right, honor it and yourself.
The more we act on the guidance that comes to us, the more it will come.
Your spirit is speaking to you for a reason.

Trust this process and your inner voice to live more abundantly!

Todays story is called

Once when I was still a Super Hero, I remember finding a wounded kitten under an abandoned building. Strange it seemed, I had never in all my years of crime inspiring adventures ever found a wounded kitten before.

At first, I was unsure what to do. What with my black cape and all, the Kat hair and dander was surely going to make a mess of my one clean outfit. Stealing myself against the consequences of another nasal infection, up into my arms the kitten was cradled and both she and I sleeked into the dark safety of my lair.

Hmn I thought, what's a lair without a kat to roam around within it?
Thus began the adventures of Black Man and the Raven Haired Kat!

Seems even the strangest couplings can produce wonderful results. After that kat and I became like one, all of our individual troubles just seemed to fade into the distance. Here with me, she had the safety of finally belonging without the pain or the suffering, and yet, still she was free to be herself. Whereas for me, not only did my sinus infections go away completely, but now the lair was clean on a regular basis(she was a bit bossy, that kat!).

So now, when the day has finally sunk beyond the steel curtain of this dirty city. Look behind you when you hear that old familiar sound, for the soft rustling of the leaves is often the last note you'll remember, before Black Man and the Raven haired Kittie start their conquest upon those who only seek to dismember You!

What if I was wrong...........

......................would it change anything?

I used to try to set aside
Some time for being lonely
I would simply close my eyes
and sing my own song
and it's almost like I'm home

Loving in a place where only I belong
Do you believe in loneliness
I used to believe that you did
for underneath those eyes always you hid

Before this day I never feared the night
darkness closing in allowed me to live freely within
Do you believe in loneliness?
I did!

It was a great weekend after all:

Well I must admit that I was actually worried about my developing friendship with another, but it looks like things may just work for the best after all!
In the between think about this as the next improbale thought,I am always a phone call away. For the rest of you vouyers who do not know my # I am really very happy with the response(s)!

Though it is true that no one knew that I was capable of disliking another person, I appreciate the feedback anyway. Maybe in the future I will omit the names( someone thought it was them, sorry! ), or offer my thoughts in a more broad based way.

Who knows though, these are my thoughts, and I will indeed express them as best I can, but I will be more sensitive as to who I give the address to in the future.
Over in the bay area :) , please!

Anyhoo, the new week is here and I have no lunch dates, but that's okay.
Maybe I need to spend some quality time with my own thoughts and not the thoughts of somebody else? Shame really, I was so looking forward to learning more about her!

Whatever happens though, everyone please enjoy your time with whomever you choose and I will finish the previously story next week.
Even if I don't let you read it :)

I know..........................

Okay

Truly, the perfect man is not Gay!

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your motherand kisses away your pain.

He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way

To hell with this stupid poem:
The perfect man doesn't have to be gay.
The perfect man is indeed any man who desires to be that way!

When you were a baby.......................

....................................................... did you ever think that being who you would become as something to be thought of as stressful to others?

Recently I wrote a number of things about myself that I could never easily explain to others. Things that when read by their intended audience was very revealing of the who and what I actually am. Sing along if you know the words:

Yesterday I bit myself.

Not that I haven't done that before, it's just that this time I thought of the words that often leak form my mouth. How sometimes those words penetrate the person hearing them and causing unintended consequences. Did you know that words are everything to me?

Often when I have spoken in the past, the thoughts and feelings of others are upset or awakened. Revealed or embraced. Uplifted or crushed.I was thinking within this dream about someone else and I remembered that I heard the sound of glass breaking around them as well.

Strange this sound, it reminded me of a moment in time when I lived in Boston and Pamelynne and I were lovers. She was so open and beautifully eager then. I used to sneak her in dance clubs and we would drink and slow dance the night away. Always when the music stopped, she would ask me questions about who we had met, and why.

Something about the sound of that glass breaking reminded me about you. No not you, her over on the left! How you're always trying to balance your strength and power against mine. yielding to my essence and then fleeing the embrace and comfort of my words when I am not there to cloak you in my touch.

Writing about this disconnect that I often sense in us opened the door to my longings for another that I had recently forgotten about. Yes, there is a point to all of this but why bother revealing now? For right now, my heart is open..................not needing anything but to give as it wills.

Patience and Love

Nature offers us an infinite variety of plants that fascinate and delight us. We know that it would be ludicrous for us, mere humans to pass judgment on them. We don't harass them to reveal a new bud or leaf when we think they should. Neither do we compare them with other plants in the same garden that we feel are doing so much better under our care and careful concern.

We allow them to do what is natural for them, to grow and flower at their own pace.It seems logical then, when we think about it, that the people we love should be offered the same consideration, especially since we cannot be fully aware of the struggles with which they are dealing. Even with the best of intentions, our impatience for them to "grow up" and "be sensible," implies that it's a simple matter to us.

The assumption being, that they can and should change at our behest, for why would we ask it, if it could not indeed be done. I have saved some of my healthiest plantings, because I learned a long time ago that if I want them to thrive I simply have to allow them to live according to their own inherent nature. Countless times I've given up on some, after having waited patiently for them to respond to my careful nurturing, only to discover, that one day when they, not I, were quite ready, they unfolded before my eyes. They were simply awaiting their time. Sometimes our best service to those we love is to simply stand by, be silent, be patient, be hopeful, be understanding, and wait, for their time.

When I saw her...............

..............I was reminded of water:

The greatest goodness is like water,
Water serves all,
yet never strives for itself.

Rippling, rolling, climbing and plunging
Water seeks only to flow along unimpeded
Feeding and replenishing life, while staying true to itself

Water though a tangible feature,
it is its intangible nature that keeps it alive!

Maybe the world rotates around the sun, but I revolve under the stars.............

Answers for today

Whereas you’ve yet to ask these questions:
The answer is I desire to be with people.
This is probably a need for social recognition, with the intent to influence those around me, while creating friendships and personable interactions. I believe that my core is based on a strong people orientation for I always seem to be meeting and/or enjoying the company of other people.

I do believe I have a good sense of humor, and I usually know when to lighten an awkward or difficult situation, how to amuse and entertain those around me with laughter (though this could be a shield), and I use light conversation to keep people focused on the positive, it is also helpful in identifying those who are not friendly by nature!I honestly feel very optimistic and this is usually considered favorably by those who happen to be around me. My perception is half full, more than seemingly empty. When asked, those who know me say that I do have a way of generating enthusiasm in others and myself, often involving many people who might not be inclined or initially motivated to get involved.

One of my great strengths is my ability to communicate and converse readily, of course with that in mind; I admit that I can talk too much! Whereas I think of myself as a natural communicator, this is often enhanced by my willingness to explore conversations about most any topics with whoever is present. The most common remark made about me is that I am a natural salesman, someone who listens attentively and mirrors back that which is spoken into me. I believe this why I am generally perceived as likeable and approachable, someone who is very sociable in my own assertive and straight forward style.

It is within this style that I seem to be more capable of showing empathy towards the needs and feelings of others, and this draws people to me. Often, even those who do not share my religious convictions, nor my desire for full disclosure, seem to be able to look beyond what they are afraid of within me, and seek to engage me anyway! I see myself as:Enthusiastic about activities and involvements. Somewhat diplomatic with almost every kind of person. I trust that I am a good citizen as well as socially poised and people oriented. I am morally inclined to do the right thing, without being presupposed to having a ready excuse when I fail and/or willingly do what’s wrong. I see myself as a friend, lover, confidant and soul mate!

Maybe not everyone likes me, but I do still try to learn to like everybody.

Sometimes

Sometimes, people come into our lives and our past experiences have either ill prepared us for there indomitable spirit, or worse, our past experiences have robbed us of the essential resources necessary to maintain our connection and sustain our growth with this new person.

Sometimes even, within the context of our very being, there exist a parallel world that seeks to connect and divide us neatly into little powerful copies of ourselves. Resource centers really, of what we will need up the road. Unfortunately, in our arrogance, or ignorance, we refuse to allow ourselves to be divided for the good, yet we are nevertheless divided.

Sometimes, I have had to say to someone who needs to hear it the least, sorry for this, but I am unable to continue with you, nor am I in a position to consider an alternative to removing you from my life.

Sometimes, this is because of who they want to be.
Sometimes, this is because of who they refuse to be.
Sometimes, this is because of who they chose to be with.
Sometimes, this is because of whom they have been with.
Sometimes, like this time right here, all I really have is the sense of a decision set in motion before my coming, because of my coming, that I can no longer undo alone.

Sometimes, like this time right here, all I really have is the vision of a beautiful tomorrow, denied, today.

Sometimes, like this time right here, all I really have is the need to care, seeking the vessel into which to pour out my continual ability to care, needing only to be cared for, and yet, seeing that not possibly coming into fruition!

Sometimes, like this time right here. all I really have is the thought for me, and for them: the best thing to do is smile! For Sometimes, just like each and every time before this one, the Wisconsin sun did indeed set beyond the plains of the unseen Dakotas, so why should today be any different.

I know, is there a question(s) contained in all of that? Honestly, I do not really know.Though I have a strong feeling I am about to find out!

Chewed

Chewed
Did you see that old dog
Or was it even a dog at all
Coming along and just
Seeing the bone exposed there
Feeling all that painI wondered about you

Has the dog of this life eaten you yet, or
Is it still grinding upon You ceaselessly within
The jaws of its despair

Maybe the thought of it all
Roils your flesh with the fear of
Its ability to pass you by

Nothing is something, Sometimes

Are you the bone
Or are those your
Jaws clenched so tightly
upon the marrow
Of this old life

If life is about words..............................

............................ how can you be speechless?

Sometimes, the demands of my everyday, affords me the chance to put my life into suspension. Not really living it so much as I am just being within it, seeking to do and then to be more than just alive, yet humbled by the thought of living nevertheless.

During these phases of my own moon, I can be unable to write, or I will write profusely.......this time, I just did niether.
Does it bother you that I have been away?
Would you even admit it if it did?
No matter actually, for I'll always think and feel the same about you, even if you know, nor care!