Yet as with any new revelation, often then appears the reflected realityof the moment, now that we had met, and such a meeting it was, how are we to proceed? For already, I sensed the touch of overwhelming emotional beginnings unfold.
Walking back with her up to the parking lot, it was hard to understand what she was saying.
Not that she didn’t speak the same language as I did, but the way she punctuated each syllable, and the husk of her deep throated dialect was like nothing I had ever heard before. Words from her were like shouts in a gale, and I strained to hear each one completely.
I laughed when she said her name, this caused her to turn around and face me, and for the first time, I completely saw her. Such a one as this I thought, who could have known the power within a woman could be so strong and able? Laugh she said. Am I someone in whom you find humor? Now these words I perceived more than heard, and with my reeling backward, off she ambled on ahead. Hmn, guess I had better wait until she’s dry before I try any more humor I thought? Reaching the paved area, Asia stops again and waits for me to step up to where she now stands, before she begins to actually speak to me in a voice that would be my undoing.
Edward she says, which vehicle be yours? Blinking I guess, I am caught off guard by the clarity and tone of her words. What happened to the accented and crashing syllables, the indecipherable outbursts of some foreign dialect? She was a wonder that Asia, and I of course was absolutely blinded by beauty of it all. Showing her the way to the truck, I began to steal glances over at her. Always it seemed that when I looked her way, there was her gaze, looking back intently at me, searching my face for some answer, as if to say that all the answers were already written there for her alone to see.
Who was this woman I wondered, and why is it that I’ve discovered her in the here and now of this new season of my life?All my real questions would go unanswered to this day, for after I let her into the truck and turned the heat on, taking care to more tightly wrap the blanket completely around her, I wondered aloud if there was anything else I could do for her, and that was when all the answers to my seemingly unspoken questions came out in a tumble. Yesterday it seemed Asia had come out onto the Cape Cod peninsula from the airport up in Boston. A twelve hour flight from Glasgow, Scotland had found her in a strange place, without any desire to stay and no real way to return until her posting here was completed.
Seeking then only to settle into her summer job as a nanny for one of the families over in the Mc Mansion marina across the bay, she happened to mention her feelings to another staff member who thought a few drinks and a stroll along the break water would be just the thing to take her mind off her summer away from home, and the loneliness that can bring.Perhaps it was the lack of food or just the loss of time references, but to the best of her ability to recall the events of that first night, she was sitting in the dunes and looking across the water at her island home so far away, drinking chilled wine and talking with her new friend about all the things they missed about their homes, and the next thing she could readily remember was waking to the sound of the mornings gulls dropping their clam breakfast out onto the parking lot were we now sat.
Asking her then why she was in the river channel was truly not the question, for that she had no real answers anyway. Somehow she thought she had crossed the marsh on her way into the dunes and that was the way she could see to get back across. As for the missing friend, she wasn’t sure why she had left her out there alone like that, but if her earlier attitude with me was any indication; my thoughts began drifting to the lifted spirits of a foul mouth and a right surly attitude, though I digress from the topic at hand.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Asia. A story told in 3 parts
Another Sunday afternoon beckons and I could tell by the number of cars strewn across the yard, this was going to be a good party indeed.Admittedly, when it came to these Sunday gatherings, the fewer those in attendance the better, though on this Sunday I was actually looking forward to the distraction a greater number would bring to my dilemma.
Walking as I would into the foyer, I sensed more than saw her entering the den from off the horizon deck. Seems that everyone knows why she’s here now. Here even more than should have been necessary they say, and still she comes. I give a nod at her wave and begin to say my hellos when I realize that her intent is to come up behind me this morning for our now ritual kiss. Smiling at the host, I recognize perhaps I should begin my telling from the actual beginning.
Seems to me like a whole month of Sundays has gone past since that one Sunday dawned into my life. As it was always, I began my morning walk along the rivers edge just this side of the bay. Usually it would be just the egrets and I, maybe a tern or two, here in Hyannis harbor, but almost always at this time of the day no other human traffic. Funny then how I found her, expecting to see just the waves as the river swelled from the inrushing tide, and instead there she was, up to her knees in the silt having just been caught out of the marshes edge by the swift currents surrounding her.
To be honest, it was hard to tell if she really needed my help at all, what with the way her eyes burned with the determination to keep her balance and momentum. I almost stepped back behind the reeds just to see if she could make it alone, but needless to say, I did wade out to where she was potentially planted just in case.Asia was her name, island born Irish by birth, completely continental by choice. All eyes, with massive curls and abundant freckles, of those spots I would wonder often if they were a sign of the animal within or just a series of nano sized stop signs for those us without!
Of course she thanked me, but it wasn’t like I had a lot to do with it. I offered to give her my blanket from the beach truck, never thinking to ask her how she came to be out in the flats as if clamming without any gear. No matter I guessed, a good deed done and I was actually happy for the company.I was all about her presence that day, for her being with me revealed how actually alone I had become out here on the mouth of this river, how these lonely walks to clear my thoughts of one had completely landed me right in the middle of another.
Walking as I would into the foyer, I sensed more than saw her entering the den from off the horizon deck. Seems that everyone knows why she’s here now. Here even more than should have been necessary they say, and still she comes. I give a nod at her wave and begin to say my hellos when I realize that her intent is to come up behind me this morning for our now ritual kiss. Smiling at the host, I recognize perhaps I should begin my telling from the actual beginning.
Seems to me like a whole month of Sundays has gone past since that one Sunday dawned into my life. As it was always, I began my morning walk along the rivers edge just this side of the bay. Usually it would be just the egrets and I, maybe a tern or two, here in Hyannis harbor, but almost always at this time of the day no other human traffic. Funny then how I found her, expecting to see just the waves as the river swelled from the inrushing tide, and instead there she was, up to her knees in the silt having just been caught out of the marshes edge by the swift currents surrounding her.
To be honest, it was hard to tell if she really needed my help at all, what with the way her eyes burned with the determination to keep her balance and momentum. I almost stepped back behind the reeds just to see if she could make it alone, but needless to say, I did wade out to where she was potentially planted just in case.Asia was her name, island born Irish by birth, completely continental by choice. All eyes, with massive curls and abundant freckles, of those spots I would wonder often if they were a sign of the animal within or just a series of nano sized stop signs for those us without!
Of course she thanked me, but it wasn’t like I had a lot to do with it. I offered to give her my blanket from the beach truck, never thinking to ask her how she came to be out in the flats as if clamming without any gear. No matter I guessed, a good deed done and I was actually happy for the company.I was all about her presence that day, for her being with me revealed how actually alone I had become out here on the mouth of this river, how these lonely walks to clear my thoughts of one had completely landed me right in the middle of another.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Visions of You
Last night in my dreams,
The wind came to see me.
Thinking as I do about you,
Wondering maybe more than I should,
He showed me some of the reasons whyYou are, as you appear to me!
As I rose up in his arms,
He took me into your valley
and allowed me to tickle you with a gentle breeze,
as you smiled sweetly.
After, I drifted passsed you and back into the sky,
I could see your days unfolded before you, and I just had to sigh!
You, unlike the wind,
are often tufted and turned by the whims and needs of others.
Pulled and prodded this way and that
for the sake of someone else’s pleasure..........sorry baby.
This day, Tomorrow
Everyday, that you know of me,
Please think of my as a Sunny little Island then.
A place of your calm and resting breezes,
Not another person who needs your attention,
But a one who's attention you already have.
The wind came to see me.
Thinking as I do about you,
Wondering maybe more than I should,
He showed me some of the reasons whyYou are, as you appear to me!
As I rose up in his arms,
He took me into your valley
and allowed me to tickle you with a gentle breeze,
as you smiled sweetly.
After, I drifted passsed you and back into the sky,
I could see your days unfolded before you, and I just had to sigh!
You, unlike the wind,
are often tufted and turned by the whims and needs of others.
Pulled and prodded this way and that
for the sake of someone else’s pleasure..........sorry baby.
This day, Tomorrow
Everyday, that you know of me,
Please think of my as a Sunny little Island then.
A place of your calm and resting breezes,
Not another person who needs your attention,
But a one who's attention you already have.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Which is my future within you?
People have laughed at me several times;
they say I'm being ridiculous, that this is just too strange...
but would it be much better for you my dear
if I never told you that I care for you?
Truly, the moment my feet landed on the Lord's ground,
it opened my mind to see within these complicated lives
that swirled aound me I knew right then
of the catastrophes within my own life...
together with its mysteries, happiness and joy!
My life, though full as it was with another’s
miseries, agonies, tortured longing and sorrow,
had love but then, when You came into my life
I knew then that nature had indeed smiled upon me
and these black clouds of another gave way to joyful skies.
Knowing then, that you would be a part of me
for your longing never left my puzzled mind.
Your heartbeats, never stopped beating upon within my chest,
even though I no longer held you close.
In the distance that you’ve allowed to form between us…..
I’ve come to know you, and your heart well.
I still recall that day we looked at each other's eyes
often, remembrances which became sweeter as they last
without becoming bitter, and bitter as we parted
never to be back in each other arms again is the question
Yet, even if this will never happen,
neither will it be erased from my memory...
For you, that smile of yours, and your love within....
these things I’ll never be tired of remembering....
they say I'm being ridiculous, that this is just too strange...
but would it be much better for you my dear
if I never told you that I care for you?
Truly, the moment my feet landed on the Lord's ground,
it opened my mind to see within these complicated lives
that swirled aound me I knew right then
of the catastrophes within my own life...
together with its mysteries, happiness and joy!
My life, though full as it was with another’s
miseries, agonies, tortured longing and sorrow,
had love but then, when You came into my life
I knew then that nature had indeed smiled upon me
and these black clouds of another gave way to joyful skies.
Knowing then, that you would be a part of me
for your longing never left my puzzled mind.
Your heartbeats, never stopped beating upon within my chest,
even though I no longer held you close.
In the distance that you’ve allowed to form between us…..
I’ve come to know you, and your heart well.
I still recall that day we looked at each other's eyes
often, remembrances which became sweeter as they last
without becoming bitter, and bitter as we parted
never to be back in each other arms again is the question
Yet, even if this will never happen,
neither will it be erased from my memory...
For you, that smile of yours, and your love within....
these things I’ll never be tired of remembering....
Saturday, August 21, 2004
You.................
You,
beloved,
who were lost before the beginning, who never came,
I do not know which sounds might be precious to you.
No longer do I try to recognize you, when, as a surging wave, something is about to manifest.
All the huge images in me, the deeply-sensed far-away landscapes, cities and towers and bridges and un-suspected turns of the path, the powerful life of landsonce filled with the presence of gods: all rise with you to find clear meaning in me, your, forever, elusive one.
You, who are all the gardens I've ever looked upon, full of promise. An open windowin a country house—, and you almost stepped towards me, thoughtfully. Sidestreets I happened upon,—you had just passed through them, and sometimes, in the small shops of sellers, the mirrors were still dizzy with you and gave back, frightened, my too sudden form.—Who is to say if the same bird did not resound through us both yesterday, separate, in the evening?
Rilke(Paris, winter 1913 - 14)
beloved,
who were lost before the beginning, who never came,
I do not know which sounds might be precious to you.
No longer do I try to recognize you, when, as a surging wave, something is about to manifest.
All the huge images in me, the deeply-sensed far-away landscapes, cities and towers and bridges and un-suspected turns of the path, the powerful life of landsonce filled with the presence of gods: all rise with you to find clear meaning in me, your, forever, elusive one.
You, who are all the gardens I've ever looked upon, full of promise. An open windowin a country house—, and you almost stepped towards me, thoughtfully. Sidestreets I happened upon,—you had just passed through them, and sometimes, in the small shops of sellers, the mirrors were still dizzy with you and gave back, frightened, my too sudden form.—Who is to say if the same bird did not resound through us both yesterday, separate, in the evening?
Rilke(Paris, winter 1913 - 14)
Monday, August 16, 2004
A very Blessed.....................
.................and beautiful Good Morning to you SunShine!
No matter the yesterday(s), today is the day He promised to give to you, and within it you should indeed find immense peace and beauty......pleasure and serenity, not only around you, but coming from within you as well!
As you reach out and accept this blessing, can we look inward for just a moment my dear?
For all too often my beautiful one, someone is re-telling you that same lie from your youth, somehow, someway, you are guilty of doing, or feeling something that is not your right to do so.
Again I say into you though, this is just the mirage of another's love and not Love in the way it was intended, and as such, you need not believe it. Yes, often people will blame someone enough, and they will begin to believe the lie as their own personal truth.........is this you my love? For in being a woman, you have the inherent right to become emotional and to reach out to another via this emotionality.
Whereas for another to say that you do not have this right, is just another example of someone telling you who you need to be, and not someone accepting you as you are....Beautiful! Today, instead of feeling someone else's pain(s), look into the eyes of your own refelection and the many bright and alive ones that will be surrounding you this very day and see life. Life and love in its uncorrupted state and smile, for this is the kind of love that you need.
A Love that does not punish, nor place blame, or even attempt to affix guilt upon another for their honest attempt to be themselves.You are beauty and peace my friend, cover yourself with this truth and reject anything that does not accept and exalt the inherent beauty of who and what you are:Child, Woman, Mother, Friend, Lover, Artisan and Love!!!A one who believes their own truth, not someone else's lies.
No matter the yesterday(s), today is the day He promised to give to you, and within it you should indeed find immense peace and beauty......pleasure and serenity, not only around you, but coming from within you as well!
As you reach out and accept this blessing, can we look inward for just a moment my dear?
For all too often my beautiful one, someone is re-telling you that same lie from your youth, somehow, someway, you are guilty of doing, or feeling something that is not your right to do so.
Again I say into you though, this is just the mirage of another's love and not Love in the way it was intended, and as such, you need not believe it. Yes, often people will blame someone enough, and they will begin to believe the lie as their own personal truth.........is this you my love? For in being a woman, you have the inherent right to become emotional and to reach out to another via this emotionality.
Whereas for another to say that you do not have this right, is just another example of someone telling you who you need to be, and not someone accepting you as you are....Beautiful! Today, instead of feeling someone else's pain(s), look into the eyes of your own refelection and the many bright and alive ones that will be surrounding you this very day and see life. Life and love in its uncorrupted state and smile, for this is the kind of love that you need.
A Love that does not punish, nor place blame, or even attempt to affix guilt upon another for their honest attempt to be themselves.You are beauty and peace my friend, cover yourself with this truth and reject anything that does not accept and exalt the inherent beauty of who and what you are:Child, Woman, Mother, Friend, Lover, Artisan and Love!!!A one who believes their own truth, not someone else's lies.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Visions of our tomorrow:
Uptown, people still wander about,
a white face stops to peer down the alley way of our lives and turns away.
Is it the wildness of our embrace, or is it the wonder of how we readily face all that we are,
or have we already become his nightmare of tomorrow?
Later, I sleep and crazily dream.
A dark end of summer kind of dream,
of the moon, and the liquid passion in your eyes.
Softly, I kiss your lips and tremble,
is that your blood or mine I taste?
Not that it matters,
for all that you'll become,
I already am.
a white face stops to peer down the alley way of our lives and turns away.
Is it the wildness of our embrace, or is it the wonder of how we readily face all that we are,
or have we already become his nightmare of tomorrow?
Later, I sleep and crazily dream.
A dark end of summer kind of dream,
of the moon, and the liquid passion in your eyes.
Softly, I kiss your lips and tremble,
is that your blood or mine I taste?
Not that it matters,
for all that you'll become,
I already am.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Coming home under the full Moon
As where I was, faded behind me
The moon appeared
Fully exposed on my horizon.
Looking up into the face
Of all that was to become,
I remembered all the things
Still to be undone.
Is the moon above you now?
Smiling its earth shattering
Love into you face?
Or are you still trying to
Unfurl his crippling embrace?
The moon
Not unlike my other
Lover the wind,
Always reminds me of you.
Even those places
Within you,
That are still untrue.
Yet,
As I passed onto my own valley floor,
The moon dropped behind
The rock wall of my soon to be,
goodnight.
The moon appeared
Fully exposed on my horizon.
Looking up into the face
Of all that was to become,
I remembered all the things
Still to be undone.
Is the moon above you now?
Smiling its earth shattering
Love into you face?
Or are you still trying to
Unfurl his crippling embrace?
The moon
Not unlike my other
Lover the wind,
Always reminds me of you.
Even those places
Within you,
That are still untrue.
Yet,
As I passed onto my own valley floor,
The moon dropped behind
The rock wall of my soon to be,
goodnight.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
The Beauty of Life..........................
....................is often obscured through the prism of time.
When we have very little time, life can seem hazy and unfocused.
Whereas when we have abundant amounts of time, oh how long the horizon has become!
Time, like love requires patience and consideration.
Therefore, time has always been my friend.
We niether argue, mislead or dissapoint one another.
Nor does it hold itself out to be something that it's not.
I like that about time.
It is what it is, and thats all.
Wouldn't it be great if we were all like that too?
When we have very little time, life can seem hazy and unfocused.
Whereas when we have abundant amounts of time, oh how long the horizon has become!
Time, like love requires patience and consideration.
Therefore, time has always been my friend.
We niether argue, mislead or dissapoint one another.
Nor does it hold itself out to be something that it's not.
I like that about time.
It is what it is, and thats all.
Wouldn't it be great if we were all like that too?
Friday, July 09, 2004
Visiting the attic, I discovered this:
Shorts(stories)
can enrich your
understanding
and heighten
your global
experiences
Often I use short vocal expressions to broaden the awareness of the person whom I am attempting to engage and subsequently subdue, though I often use it as a devise to paint images within their body and mind, my goal is just to enlighten and release.
Sometimes, it's so much a part of my sense of expression and placement, I can forget about the hearer and leave them entranced(encased) within the montage I am using for the purpose of illustration.................................
Maybe, some day, I can paint you into a perpetual day break, a collage of new and increasing wonderful beginnings?
In the between of it all; thanks for the look and remember, reach out beyond your borders often, some of us are actually quite nice too!
can enrich your
understanding
and heighten
your global
experiences
Often I use short vocal expressions to broaden the awareness of the person whom I am attempting to engage and subsequently subdue, though I often use it as a devise to paint images within their body and mind, my goal is just to enlighten and release.
Sometimes, it's so much a part of my sense of expression and placement, I can forget about the hearer and leave them entranced(encased) within the montage I am using for the purpose of illustration.................................
Maybe, some day, I can paint you into a perpetual day break, a collage of new and increasing wonderful beginnings?
In the between of it all; thanks for the look and remember, reach out beyond your borders often, some of us are actually quite nice too!
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Celebrating our differences
Each of us brings to our life a unique temperament and style. This is our special gift to the world.
How monotonous it would be if we all expressed ourselves in readily predictable ways. Differences in ourselves, is the spice of human behavior that makes us so fascinating to each other. Some of us charge boldly through life taking risks; others choose to play it very safe.
Some of us are eager for social interactions; others are more satisfied being alone. Some are spontaneous; others are planned. Some approach each day with gusto; others are cautious. Some are perfectionists; others are less exacting with thier outcomes.
In love then, we need to become acutely aware of these differences, and be sincerely careful not to force our values upon those who we choose to love, within whom we see, different behaviors. Our loving another should always makes room for everyone.As long as we remain open to differences, we are constantly enriched. There are as many approaches to life as there are various peoples in this world of ours. The more of these uniqulely different ways we can come to understand and accept, the more full, complete, enriching, and loving our love thus becomes.
The French say, "Vive la difference." Love echoes that phrase boldy! Love and Patience.
How monotonous it would be if we all expressed ourselves in readily predictable ways. Differences in ourselves, is the spice of human behavior that makes us so fascinating to each other. Some of us charge boldly through life taking risks; others choose to play it very safe.
Some of us are eager for social interactions; others are more satisfied being alone. Some are spontaneous; others are planned. Some approach each day with gusto; others are cautious. Some are perfectionists; others are less exacting with thier outcomes.
In love then, we need to become acutely aware of these differences, and be sincerely careful not to force our values upon those who we choose to love, within whom we see, different behaviors. Our loving another should always makes room for everyone.As long as we remain open to differences, we are constantly enriched. There are as many approaches to life as there are various peoples in this world of ours. The more of these uniqulely different ways we can come to understand and accept, the more full, complete, enriching, and loving our love thus becomes.
The French say, "Vive la difference." Love echoes that phrase boldy! Love and Patience.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Love from the Heartland
A Friend………..
Accepts you as you are
Believes in You
Calls just to say Hi
Doesn’t give up on you
Envisions the whole of you
Forgives your mistakes
Gives unconditionally
Helps you willingly
Invites you over
Just to be with you
Keeps you close at heart
Loves you for who you are
Makes a difference in your life
Never judges you
Offer you real support
Picks you up (emotionally too)
Quiets your fears
Raises your spirits
Says nice things about you
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it most
Understands you
Values you
Walks beside you
X-plains things you didn’t understand
Yells when you won’t listen
Zaps you back to reality
Accepts you as you are
Believes in You
Calls just to say Hi
Doesn’t give up on you
Envisions the whole of you
Forgives your mistakes
Gives unconditionally
Helps you willingly
Invites you over
Just to be with you
Keeps you close at heart
Loves you for who you are
Makes a difference in your life
Never judges you
Offer you real support
Picks you up (emotionally too)
Quiets your fears
Raises your spirits
Says nice things about you
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it most
Understands you
Values you
Walks beside you
X-plains things you didn’t understand
Yells when you won’t listen
Zaps you back to reality
Sunday, June 06, 2004
The Wind and I
Last night in my dreams, The wind came to see me.
Thinking as I do about you, Wondering maybe more than I should,
He showed me some of the reasons why You are as you appear to me!
As I rose up in his arms,
He took me into your valley and allowed me to tickle you with a gentle breeze,
and you what, you smiled sweetly, I almost wept openly.
After I drifted past you and back into the sky,
I could see your days unfolded before you, and I just had to sigh!
You, unlike the wind, are often tufted and turned by the whims and needs of others.
Pulled and prodded this way and that for the sake of someone else’s pleasure..........
sorry for this, truly I am baby.
This day then, tomorrow even, and every new day that you know of me,
Please think of my as a Sunny little Island waiting just for you.
A place of your calm and resting breezes, not another person who needs your attention,
But a one who's attention you already have.
Thinking as I do about you, Wondering maybe more than I should,
He showed me some of the reasons why You are as you appear to me!
As I rose up in his arms,
He took me into your valley and allowed me to tickle you with a gentle breeze,
and you what, you smiled sweetly, I almost wept openly.
After I drifted past you and back into the sky,
I could see your days unfolded before you, and I just had to sigh!
You, unlike the wind, are often tufted and turned by the whims and needs of others.
Pulled and prodded this way and that for the sake of someone else’s pleasure..........
sorry for this, truly I am baby.
This day then, tomorrow even, and every new day that you know of me,
Please think of my as a Sunny little Island waiting just for you.
A place of your calm and resting breezes, not another person who needs your attention,
But a one who's attention you already have.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Midnight: Part 2
It’s strange, how things can point to something just beyond your Vision, for then it happened. Something or someone touched me, and as I turned to see who or what is was, the club was again being raided, setting off a series of events that would finally alter and then change my outlook on life, love, the lust of power and vanity that sprung from the monies made round every midnight!
Perhaps this story started long before this night; not that it made any difference to the people with whom I interacted then. All they knew and needed to know was when I was to be on that street and in that club. It’s obvious, even to me now, how that regularity led to very this problem unfolding in front of us that new day.
Where were we all to run? How many of us would escape, and at what cost, and to whom? In the next moment, all that I had laid out long ago would now work to my benefit or my detriment. I had already discussed with Pamelynne what to do when the unthinkable happened and we had to go separately into the night, whom to call and what not to say.
So her safety wasn’t my issue right then. Making it out to the Amtrak zone was my only chance of escape; there the local cops had no jurisdiction. Only if they chased you onto the platform could they follow, but one small fence and a six-lane toll way separated me from my freedom and that was the moment I faced. Many days later, someone asked me if I ever looked back to be sure she was okay, if I had seen what happened to her in those fateful moments round that midnight. But if I remember anything about those fading moments, it would only be that I was thinking about the next time midnight would come back around for me.
Perhaps this story started long before this night; not that it made any difference to the people with whom I interacted then. All they knew and needed to know was when I was to be on that street and in that club. It’s obvious, even to me now, how that regularity led to very this problem unfolding in front of us that new day.
Where were we all to run? How many of us would escape, and at what cost, and to whom? In the next moment, all that I had laid out long ago would now work to my benefit or my detriment. I had already discussed with Pamelynne what to do when the unthinkable happened and we had to go separately into the night, whom to call and what not to say.
So her safety wasn’t my issue right then. Making it out to the Amtrak zone was my only chance of escape; there the local cops had no jurisdiction. Only if they chased you onto the platform could they follow, but one small fence and a six-lane toll way separated me from my freedom and that was the moment I faced. Many days later, someone asked me if I ever looked back to be sure she was okay, if I had seen what happened to her in those fateful moments round that midnight. But if I remember anything about those fading moments, it would only be that I was thinking about the next time midnight would come back around for me.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Midnight (in two parts)
One of the best things about midnight is that it comes every night.
No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, midnight she always appears on time, ready to exercise her right to be needed, a new day coming just after her arrival!
This though, was not to be a midnight that would soon be easily forgotten, nor the events absolutely forgiven. Turning the corner to the club with Pamelynne, I could feel the energy in the air. This was always the pulse I hoped to feel when I got to work, but something about this night seemed a little out of place, a little more electric than usual.
Looking around, I saw nothing really out of the ordinary. There was Gi Gi as always, over at the Slice Bodega, looking like his toupee was on straight tonight, a cop drinking his coffee under the canopy by the alley and the flower girl had her cart down by the corner, all things seemed just the same as every midnight.
There was not an unusual number people milling around, nor was anything visibly different about the people; college kids and townies. Suburban divas and working girls, all looking to be seen, hoping to be cool, needing to be different. There was nothing new that I could see with my outward senses, but something seemed different. Something seemed eerily out place there, like a movie seen before, but not fully remembered. Walking up to the spot, I hung back, as was my usual, waiting for Pamelynne and Anthony, one of the doorman, to have their moment together.
It was odd even to me, how after all these midnights, they still played that game of theirs. She waits by the hydrant until he sees her and waves her to the front of the queue, he with his head down, she with a soft kiss on his cheek. Was she calming him, the way she always did me? Or was it he who calmed her? No matter really; the dance was always the same between them, and I always figured Anthony to be gay anyway. No, not just because of the way he always acquiesced to my needs, but in my opinion he was just too damn beautiful to be a straight man!
Watching them and sizing up the nights’ crowd, I just knew that something was going to happen; I just could not shake my uneasiness. “Maybe I should pass? Do I really need this night to make my week?” Before I could even finish that thought she was moving again, Pamelynne I mean. Being led into the club by her doorman, holding his hand, like she would somehow fall if he were to let it go, looking over at me as if I weren’t the one who had taught them both this midnight dance!
Now, it was my turn. Walking up the doormen’s’ rope as if its’ meaning did not exist for me, seeing, but not realizing, that there were people waiting to go where I needed to be, I followed her inside. Gesturing to Anthony as if to say something but having my own game to play with him, I entered the door, waiting, as always, for him to stop me; yet this time, he did not.To be continued.....................................................
No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, midnight she always appears on time, ready to exercise her right to be needed, a new day coming just after her arrival!
This though, was not to be a midnight that would soon be easily forgotten, nor the events absolutely forgiven. Turning the corner to the club with Pamelynne, I could feel the energy in the air. This was always the pulse I hoped to feel when I got to work, but something about this night seemed a little out of place, a little more electric than usual.
Looking around, I saw nothing really out of the ordinary. There was Gi Gi as always, over at the Slice Bodega, looking like his toupee was on straight tonight, a cop drinking his coffee under the canopy by the alley and the flower girl had her cart down by the corner, all things seemed just the same as every midnight.
There was not an unusual number people milling around, nor was anything visibly different about the people; college kids and townies. Suburban divas and working girls, all looking to be seen, hoping to be cool, needing to be different. There was nothing new that I could see with my outward senses, but something seemed different. Something seemed eerily out place there, like a movie seen before, but not fully remembered. Walking up to the spot, I hung back, as was my usual, waiting for Pamelynne and Anthony, one of the doorman, to have their moment together.
It was odd even to me, how after all these midnights, they still played that game of theirs. She waits by the hydrant until he sees her and waves her to the front of the queue, he with his head down, she with a soft kiss on his cheek. Was she calming him, the way she always did me? Or was it he who calmed her? No matter really; the dance was always the same between them, and I always figured Anthony to be gay anyway. No, not just because of the way he always acquiesced to my needs, but in my opinion he was just too damn beautiful to be a straight man!
Watching them and sizing up the nights’ crowd, I just knew that something was going to happen; I just could not shake my uneasiness. “Maybe I should pass? Do I really need this night to make my week?” Before I could even finish that thought she was moving again, Pamelynne I mean. Being led into the club by her doorman, holding his hand, like she would somehow fall if he were to let it go, looking over at me as if I weren’t the one who had taught them both this midnight dance!
Now, it was my turn. Walking up the doormen’s’ rope as if its’ meaning did not exist for me, seeing, but not realizing, that there were people waiting to go where I needed to be, I followed her inside. Gesturing to Anthony as if to say something but having my own game to play with him, I entered the door, waiting, as always, for him to stop me; yet this time, he did not.To be continued.....................................................
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Is it raining Where you are?
Choosing and then
Allowing yourselfTo be chosen
Still affords me
A choice
For the gift that I seek to give
Is that gift in
Which you desire most
To be given
Yet the eagerness
Of your existence
Is still the abbreviated
Longings of your heart
The slender unfolding
Of your love then
Will forever
Shatter
My illusions
About why
Any other man
Would not love you!
Allowing yourselfTo be chosen
Still affords me
A choice
For the gift that I seek to give
Is that gift in
Which you desire most
To be given
Yet the eagerness
Of your existence
Is still the abbreviated
Longings of your heart
The slender unfolding
Of your love then
Will forever
Shatter
My illusions
About why
Any other man
Would not love you!
Friday, April 30, 2004
What if................
..............eyes wide open, is still not enough!
Some days, I do not actually write. Not because there are not things, places, or people to write about, mainly my inability to get it moving stems from net being able to focus.
Wanting to write, desiring to express myself is only part of my process around turning abstractions into words. More often, I am just breathing and that act of catching one breath becomes a word that supports a sentence, which then becomes a meditation en route to a story.
Sometimes, people within my sensory areas can create a ripple that I can use as a propellant, though mostly it is through their subsurface pain and the things that I can discern they are hiding from that makes the window into a story open wide for me. Even in the vacuum of a total stranger, a story is often revealed to me by the placement of their hands on a table, or hidden under the flickering of their eyes, maybe even contained within the voice in which they address a small child.
To follow and explore these stories are of great value to me, though they often cost more than the completed story is worth, for the pain I must wade through to get the chance to see the boundaries of this new and exciting place, is never as easily forgotten as I would like. Oddly enough, each moving body part contains are story.
This I discovered when I grew old enough to warrant a hand shake from others, seems each new person who I came in contact with, revealed to me something about themselves whenever we touched. Some of those early stories were the best if not for the intense rush of revelation that washed over me, some where so diabolically beautiful it made me weep immediately, others were just the vaporish endeavors of the uncared for among us, but each was as sweet as the fall rain, in its intensity, and cleansing side effects.
Some days, I do not actually write. Not because there are not things, places, or people to write about, mainly my inability to get it moving stems from net being able to focus.
Wanting to write, desiring to express myself is only part of my process around turning abstractions into words. More often, I am just breathing and that act of catching one breath becomes a word that supports a sentence, which then becomes a meditation en route to a story.
Sometimes, people within my sensory areas can create a ripple that I can use as a propellant, though mostly it is through their subsurface pain and the things that I can discern they are hiding from that makes the window into a story open wide for me. Even in the vacuum of a total stranger, a story is often revealed to me by the placement of their hands on a table, or hidden under the flickering of their eyes, maybe even contained within the voice in which they address a small child.
To follow and explore these stories are of great value to me, though they often cost more than the completed story is worth, for the pain I must wade through to get the chance to see the boundaries of this new and exciting place, is never as easily forgotten as I would like. Oddly enough, each moving body part contains are story.
This I discovered when I grew old enough to warrant a hand shake from others, seems each new person who I came in contact with, revealed to me something about themselves whenever we touched. Some of those early stories were the best if not for the intense rush of revelation that washed over me, some where so diabolically beautiful it made me weep immediately, others were just the vaporish endeavors of the uncared for among us, but each was as sweet as the fall rain, in its intensity, and cleansing side effects.
Monday, April 19, 2004
In trusting ourselves, We indeed find Love.
Too often, I am met with skepticism because of my very positive and overtly passionate approach to Love and trusting. Because of this, I have learned to ignore the notion from others, that I am either foolish or naïve because of my belief that all things are possible to those who choose to believe in them.
Often, even I am truly baffled by how agitated some people get when I explain my belief that love unites and secures as nothing else can; that without it, trust and forgiveness are impossible to maintain. For me, it doesn't seem that this is such an outrageous proposition, though; it does seem to bring out the foolishness in other people!
When we cease trusting, negative forces take over. Good intentions go unappreciated within a mind crowded with doubt and suspicion. Everyday expressions of love are suspected of having hidden meanings. Misunderstood behaviors, give rise to monumental traumas! We worry that we will be deceived if we trust too much, Yet, we not consider the consequences of not trusting enough.
Therefore, we need to enhance the love that we seek from others.
In all the world there is not a single people exactly like any of us.
Everything that we produce is authentically ours. There will always be things we don't understand about ourselves as there are things we don't like about ourselves. Despite this fact though, there is no true reason not to love ourselves.
There is a definite dignity in our uniqueness. Our fantasies, dreams, hopes, fears, behaviors, abilities all belong only to us. They are what make us who we are and open the doors to what we can become. It is indeed true that in our lifetime we may never really know ourselves in any true sense of completeness, but it is our gift to God to never stop trying to work toward this goal, for our search for love can only be enhanced through our realization of self.
Being everything that you are is enough for another to love you.
Being ourselves in a world where most people want to remake us into their fantasy of how we should be, will always be our greatest hurdle in this life. Though, even if the disapproval of others is a powerful deterrent, it is hardly a strong enough reason to be less than who we truly are. If we want to be happy, to be loved, to be understood and accepted, sooner or later we will have to assert our right to be ourselves. By being ourselves, we are saying to others that we are indeed lovable, for we first, learned to love ourselves.
Often, even I am truly baffled by how agitated some people get when I explain my belief that love unites and secures as nothing else can; that without it, trust and forgiveness are impossible to maintain. For me, it doesn't seem that this is such an outrageous proposition, though; it does seem to bring out the foolishness in other people!
When we cease trusting, negative forces take over. Good intentions go unappreciated within a mind crowded with doubt and suspicion. Everyday expressions of love are suspected of having hidden meanings. Misunderstood behaviors, give rise to monumental traumas! We worry that we will be deceived if we trust too much, Yet, we not consider the consequences of not trusting enough.
Therefore, we need to enhance the love that we seek from others.
In all the world there is not a single people exactly like any of us.
Everything that we produce is authentically ours. There will always be things we don't understand about ourselves as there are things we don't like about ourselves. Despite this fact though, there is no true reason not to love ourselves.
There is a definite dignity in our uniqueness. Our fantasies, dreams, hopes, fears, behaviors, abilities all belong only to us. They are what make us who we are and open the doors to what we can become. It is indeed true that in our lifetime we may never really know ourselves in any true sense of completeness, but it is our gift to God to never stop trying to work toward this goal, for our search for love can only be enhanced through our realization of self.
Being everything that you are is enough for another to love you.
Being ourselves in a world where most people want to remake us into their fantasy of how we should be, will always be our greatest hurdle in this life. Though, even if the disapproval of others is a powerful deterrent, it is hardly a strong enough reason to be less than who we truly are. If we want to be happy, to be loved, to be understood and accepted, sooner or later we will have to assert our right to be ourselves. By being ourselves, we are saying to others that we are indeed lovable, for we first, learned to love ourselves.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Mondays Musings
Within the breath of a flower
I can often see the essence of its beauty
Even as my eyes gently close around
The impossibility of its embrace
Just outside of my longing then
Are the reality and the wonders within
Each contained under the forested
Canopy of my life outside the
Many distant cities
I can often see the essence of its beauty
Even as my eyes gently close around
The impossibility of its embrace
Just outside of my longing then
Are the reality and the wonders within
Each contained under the forested
Canopy of my life outside the
Many distant cities
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Love and Patience
Nothing nurtures love more than patience.
It is that quality that allows us to wait, to be long suffering, to understand, to hope.
It sometimes seems that this is all but forgotten in a world that is forever on fast forward.
Patience denotes self-composure and contemplation in the face of disappointments and failures.
Nevertheless, we want action, we want solutions, we want answers. And we want them at once. This philosophy has been responsible for a great many hasty judgments in our past, which have caused a great deal of unnecessary pain and despair to ourselves, and those we should have loved.
In love, the most vital answers take time for discovery, time that is sustained by hope and the gentle absence of pressures. Many of our problems are only stalking shadows that often disappear in the light of patience. People who love well, and love long, have learned to accept the times of change, challenge, and discomfort, along with the moments of sublime joy, beauty and grace.
The greatest reward of patience is a love that endures.
It is that quality that allows us to wait, to be long suffering, to understand, to hope.
It sometimes seems that this is all but forgotten in a world that is forever on fast forward.
Patience denotes self-composure and contemplation in the face of disappointments and failures.
Nevertheless, we want action, we want solutions, we want answers. And we want them at once. This philosophy has been responsible for a great many hasty judgments in our past, which have caused a great deal of unnecessary pain and despair to ourselves, and those we should have loved.
In love, the most vital answers take time for discovery, time that is sustained by hope and the gentle absence of pressures. Many of our problems are only stalking shadows that often disappear in the light of patience. People who love well, and love long, have learned to accept the times of change, challenge, and discomfort, along with the moments of sublime joy, beauty and grace.
The greatest reward of patience is a love that endures.
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